Holy Moley Me Oh My

17 Nov

Hello Darlin.

It’s me again.

It’s beeeen aaaaaa loooonnng tiiiiime.

Oh man, I love me some Conway Twitty. For those of you who don’t know who that is, well, shame on you. Google him immediately. In other news, I’m back! For how long I’m not sure but let’s just relish in the fact that although I haven’t written anything in awhile some things haven’t changed 1) I didn’t die and 2) This blog still isn’t funny. Yay for consistency!

I have been quite busy though. Living the fast life (not technically, I commute) but theoretically speaking things are going by at a rapid pace. And although I haven’t felt extremely productive, while looking at my 101 list I realized I’ve done a number of things on there that I hadn’t even been trying to do! Which means . . . I HAVE been productive! In between all the happy hours and parties, the weekends away and the long hours commuting. I’ve been doing stuff. Cool stuff. And stuff that I want to do. A+

Anyway, it sort of inspired me. See, I turned 30 in September and at the time, I wasn’t so thrilled about it. Ok, I sorta kinda had a freak out. I started thinking of all the things I was supposed to have done, all the places I was supposed to have gone and all the money that was supposed to be in my bank account at this point in my life. Now, I know this isn’t anything new and a lot of people don’t like getting older and honestly crying about 30 sounds pathetic but, I just can’t believe it. Where the HELL did my 20’s go and what was I DOING?! And then I remembered. Stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. Some great, some awful and a lot of silly fun in between. All that time has led me to here. Right now. When I stopped to think about it, without adding all the unnecessary pressures and ridiculous expectations that I put on myself I feel pretty great about things. I’m sure falling in love has a lot to do with my current positive and euphoric outlook but even outside of that, I love my family, my friends . . .my life.  I’m unbelievably blessed.

Sometimes, and I think most of the people I know do this, we’re too hard on ourselves. Expect huge changes in our lives and think we’re not successful enough, or where we should be for our age in our career/family etc. I’ve been doing that for years but lately, I don’t know, something changed. I’m not giving up or satisfied with the status quo, just . . . .happy. Happy knowing I don’t need millions of dollars (trust me, I’d still do that Bojangles commercial, or even that new Axe balls scrubbing one if someone paid me too!) but for right now, I’m good. The future’s looking bright and I’m feeling a sense of peace in knowing that I’m going to just keep doing what I love, with the people I love and good things will come out of that.

See people, turning 30 makes you wiiiissse. So, suck on that my 20’s! 🙂 I’m not at all bitter about my age. I’m embracing it. It only took a couple of months. And a lot of ugly glares at people when they brought it up. And maybe some cocktails, but here I am. Happy to be 30. And looking forward to what’s coming up next.



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Things I’m Really Bad At (an ongoing list)

12 Aug

I can see . . . . . that you suck.

  • Yeah, blogging. Blogging should probably be on the list since my last post was in June. Not sure how prolific a blogger should be but I’m guessing more than once every two months? Maybe? I don’t know. There are only certain things I want to write about and lately even those things seem unimportant. Life’s been busy. And I’ve lost my creative impulses. I’m tired. And sort of uninspired. But I’m hoping it’ll be a short phase.

 

  • Storytelling.  Which bums me out because I’d really, really like to have this gift. People who have this gift are so captivating. Interesting. Funny. Entertaining. Inevitably, even when I know I have a good story to tell, I’m  disappointed in my delivery because whoever I’m telling my story to aren’t laughing/crying/scared by what I’m saying. Also, I’ve become acutely aware of the sound of my voice while speaking and it makes me nervous. This is a new neurosis. I don’t think I’ve always had this but it adds to the challenge of good storytelling. I start to tell my story, then hear my voice, decide that I’m annoying and end the story as quickly as possible with little or no interesting facts. . . . Stupid. Since when did I become so self-aware? It’s pissing me off. I gotta work on having just a little of that “I don’t give a shit” attitude of my youth.  I gotta do voices and imitate people without care and tell a story with some gusto. I gotta really learn to really sell it. I’m going to take a lesson from Quentin Tarantino and focus more on the details.

 

  • Critiquing. This shouldn’t be confused with judging. It’s more specifically directed at writing. I guess it doesn’t really come as a surprise since I’m not that confidant in my writing, why would I think of critiquing someone elses? But it’s not just that I don’t have anything good or bad to say it’s that I feel like I want to add some sort of productive and thought provoking comments, come at it from an angle even the writer didn’t think about. But I got nothing. Most of the time I just say, “it was great!” or “I liked it, very funny!” My comments are like those horrible edited versions of watered down, generic, movie reviewer quotes. I’m annoyed at myself for writing them. I also just hate it. I feel like I’m grading a paper. Sometimes, if it doesn’t move me or I don’t have something clever to say, I don’t write anything. Is that bad? I kind of just want to ignore it. On the flip side of that I get SO angry if I give someone something to read and they don’t comment on it. Nothing? Really? Yeah, not cool. So great. . . now, I can add hypocrite to my list.

 

  •   Saying No. This one is also a new discovery for me. I find myself doing the very thing I have a pet peeve about. People who can’t say no to things or other people when they don’t really want to do something. All of a sudden I get this panicked feeling like I might be missing out on something or that I might seem “uncool” or “old” so even though I’d rather just go home and get into my pj’s and watch reruns of Sons of Anarchy, instead I decide it’s a great idea to stay up all night partying. During the week. . . .When I have work the next morning. Sometimes it’s fun and worth it. Sometimes I just wish I’d gone to sleep 8 hours before.

 

  • Talking on the Phone. I hate it. I’m sorry if this affects you directly. It’s nothing personal. REALLY. I hate talking to everyone on the phone for too long. The people closest to me know this and (I think?) have accepted it. I just. . . I don’t know. Don’t like it. I don’t mind a short conversation where going into it, I know it’s going to be quick. I’m talking the conversations you know have the potential of lasting for a loooong time. This does pose a problem for keeping in touch with friends and I really try my hardest to make the effort in other ways but yeah, it’s a shitty aspect of my personality. However! I’d like to think I’m much better in person. And really try to go outta my way to make talking face to face with me as enjoyable as possible, minus good storytelling that is.

 

  • Memory/Birthdays. This has been an ongoing joke in my family for years because of my Dad. He would always tell people I don’t remember anything from before I was 9 because every time he would remind me about a trip we took, or a memorable moment I just couldn’t remember it. I always thought he was exaggerating but I’ve realized, that nope, he was onto something. I have a terrible memory. I do have a photographic memory, which comes in VERY handy but only when I make a point to remember it. It’s weird. It’s like selective hearing only with my memory. Grand Canyon: Totally. AND can remember the name of the road we took to get there, specific items on the menu of the restaurant we went to, and what the exact temperature was and songs that were on the radio. Conversation with my boss about an important meeting and aspects of that meeting: huh what? ummm exactly what day was this? Oh, yesterday. Yeah, I got nothing. Not sure if this is normal but I’ve come to realize that it’s true. I have a bad memory. Which leads me to the second aspect of this: forgetting people’s birthdays. This sucks. I hate that panicked feeling of realizing I’ve forgotten it’s someone’s birthday. This usually happens when I’m reminded by someone else with a gift for this person. Actually, if I’m being honest, it’s days later that I find out. Then I REALLY feel bad. I should probably get a better calendar. One that I actually use. That and I don’t know, maybe REMEMBER a birthday on my own? Yeah, not gonna happen. Boo on me.

This is a beginning list. Things that I’ve just recently become fully aware of and realized I’m not very good at doing. It’s always sort of interesting when you realize a new shortcoming. It’s like, huh. Yeah. I totally suck at that. It’s a shame. But like they say in AA (which I only know about b/c of movies?), the first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem. Oh, I got problems alright. Now if I can just remember them long enough to be able to work on correcting them, I’ll be in good shape.

What are you really bad at?

Searchable Posts

21 Jun

I gotta say out of all my blogs I really didn’t think my post about the Bojangles audition would get the most views but apparently after watching the commercial people want to know more about it. As you’ll see in the video, I did not, in fact get the Bojangle “It’s Bo Time” commercial and after watching it, I’m relieved. It’s so hilariously bad that it I’m tempted to say it’s good. Only for the fact that people will remember seeing something so ridiculous. I had to post it because it is so bad. And funny. And horribly awkward. Well done Bojangles. Your commercial leaves me feeling the same sort of uncomfortable that your food does. And that’s hard to pull off. So I suppose in that way, this is perfect marketing!

http://scaryideas.com/content/18442/

World Cup Friday!!!

18 Jun

I’ve discovered a new love in my life. And it might come as a surprise to some but I have to say that I’m in love with soccer. Well, the World Cup at least. I can’t say I was ever a huge fan of soccer.  Not because I didn’t like it, just that I wasn’t really exposed to it until college where I played with my college radio team (Go KCOU!). Even though we sucked, well I sucked, it’s there that I discovered that even though I considered myself athletic, this was a game of intense stamina. And foot coördination. And devoted fans.

Now I’m not what you would call a sports fanatic. I am from the midwest where if you’re not hunting or fishing, or talking about hunting and fishing, you’re either playing sports or watching sports. Sports, is a big way of life. And I played lots of sports growing up, and enjoyed it (mostly because there weren’t many other options). And playing sports taught me a lot. I have a naturally competitive nature (thanks Dad) so it came easy to me for the most part. Plus, I loved the sense of community and “team”, the confidence and high it gives you, the discipline, and just being active. It was also a way that my father, a baseball and basketball coach, and I bonded. Not to mention the feeling of winning. Ah winning. Nothing like it.

But now, not really belonging to a team, I have a hard time being one of those people who follows a team religiously. I am partial to Mizzou of course, (Go Tigers!!) but I’m not someone who follows sports regularly. I never really got that aspect of it. Why people love, say the Lakers so much? Or the Cardinals? Or Notre Dame? I understand you support the teams of the areas you live in or in my case your college but how and why do you connect with a team so intensely if you don’t have a direct connection? What does a fan get out of it? I mean, don’t get me wrong I love going to a Yankee game with my Dad, who is a huge fan (his Dad was a fan, then he became a fan, and so on and so on) and it’s exciting to watch them win–because I know how much my Dad loves them. But for me, it’s just a team, who won a game. I have no emotional attachment to it.

At first I thought maybe it was the stereotypical “guy thing” but my friend Lorena is about the biggest Raider fan you’ll ever meet. Well, all sports actually. She even goes with me to Mizzou games and sports gold and black, because she’s a good friend who supports the team I like if she has no one else she’s linked to. That’s pretty loyal. So, when I started hanging out with her and her teams were playing I found myself doing the same thing. Supporting her team. Or I’ll support the Yankees, because that’s my Dad’s team. And after going to watch USA this morning I started to understand this need for loyalty. For solidarity among fans. The excitement for your team to win. It was fun. And thrilling. And I was invested. I also had a thought while watching these guys manuever on the field, their hearts racing, all their hopes and dreams on the line for this game. I never really considered it before but just like a singer, actor, painter–these athletes have trained their whole lives for a certain moment, a game, a place in time to achieve greatness. And just like an artist, watching their skill and natural talent is a thing of beauty. Watching someone at the top of their game is just like watching someone in their oscar worthy performance. And in that way, I think I’ve found a new appreciation for sports. I think I might have discovered the pleasure behind being a true sports fan.

I guess that’s what I really like about soccer. The fans. The camaraderie. The chants and sing-a-longs. Just feeling like the world is watching with you is stimulating. And, with the drinking, it makes for a pretty nice start to my Friday. I find myself not minding that I had to get up at 6:30am because, here I am, enjoying a delicious bloody mary, cheering with people from all over the world, making new friends and feeling connected. I even found myself sincerely disappointed that we didn’t get that third goal and that there weren’t any penalties called.

Now, I’m not saying I’m going to go out, buy jerseys and put banners all over my walls but I’m also not going to say I won’t maybe watch more ESPN or attend more sporting events. Because lets face it, belonging to something and cheering people on is always good for the soul.  Even if it’s only a tiny bit, when your team wins or your friends team wins, you feel like you’ve won too.  And winning feels good. Real good. So let’s go USA . . and Chile . . And South Africa . . and England. Because as a wise bartender I know once said, “Winning makes my friends happy, and I love to see my friends happy”. Well said, bartender, well said.

Pizza Trombone

18 Jun

Is it just me or is time flying by at an alarmingly fast rate? Mind you, I’m talking about the time outside of work that REALLY seems to be speeding past me. I can’t believe it’s June. Can’t believe its 2010. CANT BELIEVE IT. 
I’m on a real positive high today because well, I’m actually getting stuff done. And it feels good. Reeeeeaaaal good. I have a couple of people to thank for that. One being my inspiring roomie Meghan and her awesome director/writer/ghost believer friend Meghan. I know, they’re both named Meghan, they’re both awesome. Its crazy, try and keep up.

We shot a short little comedy sketch at my apt. on Sunday and it was so super fun and easy, minus the fact that I couldn’t stop laughing while filming, which made me look like SUCH a professional. Now that we’ve got one video under our belt I feel like the three of us can do anything and take over the world! Or at least make more out of my sunday afternoons. 

I’m in the process of editing the video by learning Final Cut as I go. Whaaaat?! I know Avid, this should be a breeze! Well, it’s different. But I love learning it. Plus I’m a control freak (I know, shocking!) so I’m enjoying being able to do it the way I wanna do it. On the downside that means people are waiting on me to get it done. Which means, I have to GET IT DONE. I’m also a procrastinator so figure that one out. A procrastinating control freak. Geez, that sounds awful. I’m annoyed by me just thinking about it. 

Annnnnyywaaaaay, this might be the reason time is flying by, I love editing and before I know it I’ve been in front of my computer for hours. Same thing happens when I’m in Photoshop. I could probably get a lot more done if I didn’t have my regular job. It’s really cutting into my personal life and affecting my deadlines. How can I work around actually going to work? hmmmmm 

At least I have hilarious friends who send me funny emails during the day. Otherwise, I might have to shoot myself. That and the booze help me through. My friend Sarah sent over this picture with the subject of: My New BF 

 
 *To which I replied with, “I hope “triflin” is his pet name for you  . .  so sweet!” 
*Sarah replies with, “He calls me “Pizza Trombone.”  Because his favorite things are pizza.  And trombones.” 

Oh man I laughed so hard. YES. Pizza Trombone. Well, this prompted Lorena and I to write a song. I mean, why WOULDNT we write a song about Pizza Trombones?! We have time to waste. Well, we make time. Or waste time. Whatever.  
Lorena and I have never collaborated before but I think you’ll agree that this song is as fresh as . . . .I don’t know, fresh farm eggs . . . or a week old bagel, you decide. Anyway we are real proud of it and hope to sing(?) it at some point, especially for Sarah and her sexy BF. Without further ado, I give you, Pizza Trombone. . . 

I love it when he calls me

Pizza Trombone

Even thouggghhhhh

he never calls on the phone 

  

He’s so so hot

sucking on that rib bone

I’m just so luckyyyyy

to be Mrs. Trombone 

  

Piiiiiiiiizzzzzzza

Pizza Trombone He calls me

Piiiiiiiiizzzzzzzza

He looks like a gnome   

  

He quenches his thirst

with Mountain Dew when it’s stifling

But he hates iiiiit

when bitches be triflin 

  

He’s chunky and he’s sloppy

And his shirt barely fits

But it all fades away

when he plays his horn hits 

  

Piiiiiiiiizzzzzzza

Pizza Trombone

He calls me

Piiiiiiiiizzzzzzzza

He’s shaped like a cone 

  

He’s ugly and he’s stupid

And I’m startin to feel

Like maybe I’m an idiot

For payin his bills 

  

Now that I’m seeing straight

He seems kinda whack

And I wanna smack myself

For always taking his crap 

  

He calls me

Piiiiizzzzzzza

Pizza Trombone He calls me

Piiiiiizzzzzzza

Where the f**k is his home?

 

Yep. This is what I spend my days doing. Writing songs about stupid pictures from the internet. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a video parody I have to write. Right after I finish perfecting my imitation of Liza Minnelli and playing a prank on one of my bitchy coworkers. Yes sir, it’s been a busy, busy day here at the office.

 

Scenes of a City

28 May

Alright this photo has nothing to do with this particular post but it looks EXACTLY like my cat Kylie (in fact I’m wondering if this isn’t my cat and Meghan took this photo while at home without me and posted it on the web. Thoughts Meghan?) I also love cheese and I think it’s hilarious so. . . .yeah whatever.

I’ve been wanting to compile a quick list of things I’ve seen in this lovely, deranged city of Los Angeles for a while because 1) I’ve seen some crazy shit and 2) I don’t want to forget them because it’s what reminds me that things can ALWAYS be worse and usually serve as, at the very least, a good laugh. SO here are just a couple of things I’ve witnessed while in L.A. (mostly in my car because I spend an ungodly amount of time in it).

*A man in a Stylistics t-shirt dancing and singing in the street in front of a bus stop. As I’m looking at this guy and really enjoying his enthusiastic dancing he starts to point at me in my car as if to say, “this ones for you” (which I appreciated) the guy in the next car looks over at me and gives me this look like, “Are you seeing this?” Yes. Yes, I am seeing this. And it’s good times. Keep on, keepin on dude. Don’t let the lack of music, or even a dance floor keep you from getting your groove on.

*A he/she person in high heels, a pink tutu and a tank top with at least a b cup, strutting along the cross walk. Sweeet.

*A kid waiting at the bus stop with his bicycle when another kid in a hooded sweatshirt walks right up to him and tries to steal his bike from him. The hooded punk obviously underestimated the kid with the bike and his attachment to it because he proceeded to put the biggest smack down I’ve ever seen in broad day light on this punk. Punched the hell outta him until he was scrambling on all fours trying to get away. Well done buddy!

*A bare-assed man doing his business on one of the busiest parts of Santa Monica Blvd. Completely unnecessary display of bodily functions but shook my core as an obvious demonstration of broken human spirit and someone completely detached from civilization. How does one become like that? And isn’t there anything to be done?

*Once while driving I happen to look in the rearview mirror to see the lady behind me yelling, pointing, and just generally going crazy. I had no idea her anger was directed at me until the light turned green, she sped up next to me (I was in the left hand turn lane) and she threw a full WATER BOTTLE at my car, screaming profanities as she drove by. I was so shocked (and PISSED) but I honestly haven’t the slightest clue as to why she was so mad at me. Usually it’s me who has the road rage and is cussing at people for being stupid drivers. Maybe she thought I was someone else? Whatever, bitch dented my car, and my only hope for retribution is Karma.

*Got behind a jerk in an SUV who I concluded must have been drunk b/c he was swerving all over, slamming on his breaks and was riding in the middle of two lanes. I just kept laying on my horn for more than a block just trying to get him to either pull over or at least pick an f*ing lane. Once I did eventually get around this wackadoo I saw that it was an extremely old, and extremely SHORT man who could barely see over the steering wheel. And I don’t think he even realized I’d been honking at him the whole time.

*Happen to be parked right next to a very frustrated, very pissed Sally Field in hair curlers yelling at the people in front of her to *bleeping* go. Someone was late for Brothers & Sisters!

*Andrew Dice Clay in the most mismatched and hideous outfit of capri lounge pants, a bright red, blue and yellow disaster of a geometric shaped shirt, crocs, and these huge black framed glasses. His outfit made Micky Rourke look like a GQ model. He was talking loudly about what style of purse he was looking for with an equally awkward dressed, young twenty something girl in Macys at the Coach counter. I can only guess that the only thing missing from his spectacular outfit was a Coach man purse. Preferably something in green to round out the entire rainbow spectrum.

And there’s more but I figure maybe I’ll do them in installments. Besides, everyday I seem to add new ones. Ahhhh the city life. So exciting. So fabulous. So really, really messed up. What things have you seen out there?

You had me at Bojangles

21 May

So today I was going to write about some of the memorable people and scenes I’ve witnessed while in my car in L.A. because, well I spend A LOT of time in my car. . . .alone. . . .often times wanting so badly to have one other person at least SEE what I’ve just seen. I will get to those in one moment but I wanted to share this other gem first. So, I had another commercial audition today and as much as I was hoping it was going to be your run of the mill “slate, speak, leave” types, of course, it was not. I’m not sure if there is someone in my agent’s office who is intentionally trying to get me auditions that are awkward, hilarious, and humiliating specifically so I can blog about them or if I’m just . . . .lucky? But whatever the reason each audition is becoming increasingly more outrageous than the last (which is difficult, considering the last one I had to run in my dress clothes).

Today’s audition, for a popular southern fast food chain, seemed innocent enough. I’d be going for the young ethnic (whatever) mom type who is pregnant and riding a horse. Okay, come to think of it, this all sounds like red flags. Attire was causal, jeans, t-shirt, etc. So, that’s good. Easy stuff.

I get to the casting office and there’s a parking spot RIGHT IN FRONT. Swweeeet. I go in and have just caught the casting director about to give the group “this is what you’ll be doing” speech. Let’s just say after he explained it (with a lot of sighs, eye rolling, and shaking of his head) we were all a little stunned. Who the hell writes this stuff? And why are they SO BAD. To run it down quickly, this is how the commercial went.

A young husband and pregnant wife (me, who had to wear a pillow under my shirt) is brushing a horse in a barn. We’re happy, blissful, enjoying our activity. Then, the baby kicks and I turn, surprised and happy, to my husband and say . . .”Honey, I think it’s time!”. This is when it gets weird. His response? His stomach growls and he takes a moment before answering, “No honey, its BO TIME!!”. Then he whisks me onto the horse (in this case, a crate) and happily (directors words) we simulate (AWKWARDLY) riding off to Bojangles while I’m doing breathing exercises . . . .because I’m going into labor. . . .but riding off to a fast food restaurant instead.  . . . . on a horse. . . . .happily.

WHAT THE BUNZ PEOPLE!?!?!?!?!? What the bunz. Wow. Not only did I have to do it twice but then I was asked to do it another two times because they ran out of girls (because they ran away after hearing how horrible the audition is? I can only assume). Lucky bitches.

So yeah. That happened. I felt really bad for the two guys I read with. You should have seen their faces when the casting director told them what they had to say. Also, the casting director kept giving them the direction of being “more natural” when they said their lines because, ya know, “No honey, it’s BO TIME!!” is sweeping the nation. You know what’s funny? It occurred to me while recreating the scene for my work bestie, Lorena, that this stupid saying WILL probably be really catchy, given it’s target audience. Southern guys who drink sweet tea, wear cut off shirts, and love Larry the Cable Guy. Actually, this writer might be a genius. Can’t you imagine the following conversation between two guys who live in the south and eat a Bojangles?

Bob: Rick, buddy, what time is it?

Rick: Well, hell Bob, it’s BO TIME!!!

Yep. I’m calling it right now. You heard it here first folks. You’ve been warned. IT’S BO TIME.

You know what else is really humiliating about this story? If I get a call back, I’m still, totally going. And I will act like I’m happy . . . .about riding off to Bojangles. And I’ll do it with gusto. Like I really mean it. Now THAT’S sad. I’m totally going to do this ridiculous Bojangles commercial, y’all. Straight from the horses mouth. This is what acting has become for me. Awkward auditions and stupid commercials. I’m so glad I got my degree! Weeeeeeee!

They do have good biscuits though. Sort of. . . . .