Scenes of a City

28 May

Alright this photo has nothing to do with this particular post but it looks EXACTLY like my cat Kylie (in fact I’m wondering if this isn’t my cat and Meghan took this photo while at home without me and posted it on the web. Thoughts Meghan?) I also love cheese and I think it’s hilarious so. . . .yeah whatever.

I’ve been wanting to compile a quick list of things I’ve seen in this lovely, deranged city of Los Angeles for a while because 1) I’ve seen some crazy shit and 2) I don’t want to forget them because it’s what reminds me that things can ALWAYS be worse and usually serve as, at the very least, a good laugh. SO here are just a couple of things I’ve witnessed while in L.A. (mostly in my car because I spend an ungodly amount of time in it).

*A man in a Stylistics t-shirt dancing and singing in the street in front of a bus stop. As I’m looking at this guy and really enjoying his enthusiastic dancing he starts to point at me in my car as if to say, “this ones for you” (which I appreciated) the guy in the next car looks over at me and gives me this look like, “Are you seeing this?” Yes. Yes, I am seeing this. And it’s good times. Keep on, keepin on dude. Don’t let the lack of music, or even a dance floor keep you from getting your groove on.

*A he/she person in high heels, a pink tutu and a tank top with at least a b cup, strutting along the cross walk. Sweeet.

*A kid waiting at the bus stop with his bicycle when another kid in a hooded sweatshirt walks right up to him and tries to steal his bike from him. The hooded punk obviously underestimated the kid with the bike and his attachment to it because he proceeded to put the biggest smack down I’ve ever seen in broad day light on this punk. Punched the hell outta him until he was scrambling on all fours trying to get away. Well done buddy!

*A bare-assed man doing his business on one of the busiest parts of Santa Monica Blvd. Completely unnecessary display of bodily functions but shook my core as an obvious demonstration of broken human spirit and someone completely detached from civilization. How does one become like that? And isn’t there anything to be done?

*Once while driving I happen to look in the rearview mirror to see the lady behind me yelling, pointing, and just generally going crazy. I had no idea her anger was directed at me until the light turned green, she sped up next to me (I was in the left hand turn lane) and she threw a full WATER BOTTLE at my car, screaming profanities as she drove by. I was so shocked (and PISSED) but I honestly haven’t the slightest clue as to why she was so mad at me. Usually it’s me who has the road rage and is cussing at people for being stupid drivers. Maybe she thought I was someone else? Whatever, bitch dented my car, and my only hope for retribution is Karma.

*Got behind a jerk in an SUV who I concluded must have been drunk b/c he was swerving all over, slamming on his breaks and was riding in the middle of two lanes. I just kept laying on my horn for more than a block just trying to get him to either pull over or at least pick an f*ing lane. Once I did eventually get around this wackadoo I saw that it was an extremely old, and extremely SHORT man who could barely see over the steering wheel. And I don’t think he even realized I’d been honking at him the whole time.

*Happen to be parked right next to a very frustrated, very pissed Sally Field in hair curlers yelling at the people in front of her to *bleeping* go. Someone was late for Brothers & Sisters!

*Andrew Dice Clay in the most mismatched and hideous outfit of capri lounge pants, a bright red, blue and yellow disaster of a geometric shaped shirt, crocs, and these huge black framed glasses. His outfit made Micky Rourke look like a GQ model. He was talking loudly about what style of purse he was looking for with an equally awkward dressed, young twenty something girl in Macys at the Coach counter. I can only guess that the only thing missing from his spectacular outfit was a Coach man purse. Preferably something in green to round out the entire rainbow spectrum.

And there’s more but I figure maybe I’ll do them in installments. Besides, everyday I seem to add new ones. Ahhhh the city life. So exciting. So fabulous. So really, really messed up. What things have you seen out there?


2 Responses to “Scenes of a City”

  1. likeagiraffe May 28, 2010 at 8:06 pm #

    A few months ago I was stuck in traffic so slow that my GPS asked if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode… and a fat, shirtless man SMOKING A @#$%ING CIGARETTE passed me.

    We live in a weird town.

  2. amy June 14, 2010 at 1:49 pm #

    Do you remember that day to work that you kept stopping at green lights? either you weren’t paying attention or tending to your mascara (and so was I, so I couldnt assist you in telling you to GO!). Normally it was you that was laying on the horn, and that day you were getting honked at. Remember how we just laughed! Oh, and i do like it that even when I”M driving you reach over to honk MY horn, because I’m slacking. You truly are doing the “Lord’s work on the freeway” as you like to say. Keep it up! Nothing like the dirt road to G&G’s.

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